


When this is done

by mixiz877



Series: Insights [17]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Season 1, Shadow - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-26 02:21:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6219841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mixiz877/pseuds/mixiz877
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season 1 Episode 16 "Shadow". The same scene, once seen through Sam's eyes, once through Dean's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sam

**Author's Note:**

  * For [s_padackles](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=s_padackles).



> I don't own, I just borrow

Sam POV

"Big night," Dean says. His voice is crackling with anticipation.

"Yeah," I reply. "You nervous?" 

He cocks an eyebrow.

"No. Why, are you?"

"No. No way," I quickly supply. 

But yes, I am nervous. A bit. And I bet even though Dean is trying to treat this like every day's business, it's the big thing he's been waiting for. So of course he's nervous. He has to be. But he's the master of hiding it. We're both quiet for a moment. I bet he's following up on his own thoughts, same as I am. I don't like the silence, so I break it.  
"God, could you imagine if we actually found that damn thing? That demon?"

"Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, all right?"

Wow, he's the voice of reason. But I shouldn't be surprised. He's been hunting solo for a good while and he's still in one piece. Guess, following Dad's rules isn't all he is good at. Okay, not fair, Sam. Dean had never really wanted out of hunting like I did. At least not that I know. Those weeks that I'm back on the road with him now have been one gigantic rollercoaster for me. 

I didn't really want to get back into hunting, but I had agreed, because I saw how much it meant to Dean to have me at his side while he was looking for Dad. And then that evil son of a bitch demon took Jessica. For a moment I understood how Dad must have felt and I wanted to get my revenge on that yellow-eyed bastard more than anything in the world. I just hoped, and still do, it won't take me a lifetime to do so.

But being on the road with Dean, saving people, hunting things, it makes me feel good. Makes me feel like I do something good. And it made me realize that I had missed my brother, no matter how infuriating he could be at times.  
I know now what I want, and that is to return to my apple pie life as soon as we find Dad. Not so sure it's what Dean wants, but maybe, once this one major hunt is over, he will want out, too. I don't know why, but I have to know.

"I know. I’m just sayin’, what if we did?" I look at him. "What if this whole thing was over tonight? Man, I’d sleep for a month. Go back to school—be a person again." Come on, Dean. Say you want it, too.

"You wanna go back to school?" He sounds surprised.

"Yeah, once we’re done huntin’ the thing."

"Huh."

"Why, is there somethin’ wrong with that?" 

Drat. This is not going the way I hoped it would go. Does he really love this life so much? Isn't there something more he wants to achieve for himself?

"No. No, it’s, uh, great. Good for you." 

I can hear the disappointment in his voice, close to a dismissal. Full of sarcasm. And I know right away he wants me to stick with him. To hunt together. But my mind is made up. Once we find Dad and kill the thing I'm done. Over and out.

"I mean, what are you gonna do when it’s all over?" I am curious, Dean.

"It’s never gonna be over. There’s gonna be others. There’s always gonna be somethin’ to hunt." I was afraid he'd say something like that.

"But there’s got to be somethin’ that you want for yourself..." Seeing his eyes on me I trail off.

"Yeah, I don’t want you to leave the second this thing’s over, Sam." His voice holds traces of longing and I stare at him as he walks over to the dresser. Somehow that just gnaws on my frustration.

"Dude, what’s your problem?" 

It's a challenge that Dean meets with silence, leaving me to look at his back before turning around. His eyes are holding all his emotions, but some spill over into his voice.

"Why do you think I drag you everywhere? Huh? I mean, why do you think I came and got you at Stanford in the first place?" 

" 'Cause Dad was in trouble. ‘Cause you wanted to find the thing that killed Mom." It was plain obvious, Dean. Or was it? 

"Yes, that, but it’s more than that, man." He returns to the dresser and is silent again. His voice quivers slightly when he starts to speak. "You and me and Dad, I mean, I want us… I want us to be together again. I want us to be a family again." 

For a split moment I see Dean as a little boy in my mind's eye. A little boy who had just lost his mother and had his childhood taken away from him in a cinch. 

"Dean, we are a family. I’d do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before." 

He looks downright heartbroken. I can see he wants his family so bad, but why does it have to be a hunting life? Damn, brother, I want us to be a family again, too. Leaving had been the hardest thing I'd ever done. But it had also been the best I'd ever done. It could be the same for you.

"Could be," he says, sadly.

"I don’t want them to be. I'm not gonna live this life forever. Dean, when this is all over, you’re gonna have to let me go my own way." 

I look at him, imploringly. If he doesn't want out, he has to let me go because I just can't live this life anymore. Not when my purpose has gone.

The tension in our locked gaze is growing, but I'm determined to put across my point. It's not too late to get out, Dean. Either let me go or come with me. Dean averts his eyes, knowing he can't change my mind, but being equally determined to stick to his guns.

"Let's go," he says quietly, taking the lead.


	2. Dean

Dean POV

"Big night," I say to Sammy while checking over my gun.

"Yeah," he replies hoarsly. "You nervous?"

Me? Nervous? Gee, Sammy, last time I was nervous was when you were on your first ever hunt.

"No," I reply nonchalantly. "Why? Are you?"

"No, no way," he says a bit too quickly. 

Can't fool me, princess. Then our gazes meet. Instantly we know that we both haven't been entirely truthful. It's okay though, because the second you drop your guard and don't get nervous going into a hunt, something is bound to go wrong. Time to put on my game face to reassure my Gargantua brother. 

"God, could you imagine if we actually found that damn thing? That demon?"

Could I imagine? Hell, yes! I can imagine trapping it and then finding a way to hurt it in a zillion different ways before exorcizing that son of a bitch's ass back to where it came from. That yellow-eyed asshat deserves no less. But I have to remain calm.

"Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, all right?" 

We need to keep a level head and don't rush into it all emotionally, else we'll get our asses handed to us.

"I know. I’m just sayin’, what if we did? What if this whole thing was over tonight? Man, I’d sleep for a month. Go back to school, be a person again."

What are you, Sam? A girl? You can sleep when you're dead, Bitch. Yet the way he says this, it pulls at something deep inside me. I know he doesn't really want to hunt. But I had hoped...

"You wanna go back to school?" 

I have to know this. Have to know where we're standing. These last weeks on the road with have been the closest I had in a while to a family life. It had ignited a spark within myself that had died the day Sam left for Stanford. I didn't want it to disappear again.

"Yeah, once we’re done huntin’ the thing." 

Aw man, Sammy, don't mean it!

"Huh."

"Why, is there somethin’ wrong with that?"

"No." 

Yes! Where should I start? 

"No, it’s, uh, great. Good for you." 

Smooth lying, Pinocchio. Let him choke on the sarcasm. The Sasquatch has made up his mind. No sense to cry over spilled milk. Damnit.

"I mean, what are you gonna do when it’s all over?" 

Seriously, Sammy? Hunting is the one thing I'm good at. I can't just quit, not after all we've seen. After all I've seen. Quitting is for wusses. I ain't one of them.

"It’s never gonna be over. There’s gonna be others. There’s always gonna be somethin’ to hunt." 

Hunting is the family business. Again, it's the only thing I'm really good at.

"But there’s got to be somethin’ that you want for yourself..." 

I can hear it in Sam's voice that he can't understand me. How can you be smart enough to get into Stanford and at the same time be so thick?

"Yeah, I don’t want you to leave the second this thing’s over, Sam." 

Gotta spell it out for you, don't I? I turn and walk over to the dresser, keeping my back to him as I'm schooling my expression the best I can, in an attempt to hide my emotions.

"Dude, what’s your problem?" 

Isn't it obvious? I keep quiet for a bit and then turn to my not so little brother. Maybe he needs a little nudging. Maybe he'll come around.

"Why do you think I drag you everywhere? Huh? I mean, why do you think I came and got you at Stanford in the first place?" 

Yes, Sam, there's a challenge in here.

" ‘Cause Dad was in trouble. ‘Cause you wanted to find the thing that killed Mom." 

Obviously, Sherlock. But to be honest, I can't stand being alone in all this. You left us, but at least it was Dad and me, hunting together most of the time. And then Dad disappeared. Hunting alone not knowing where your family is, whether they're safe, is a totally different thing to hunting alone, knowing you'll meet up with them afterwards.

"Yes, that, but it’s more than that, man." 

I quickly turn to face the dresser again, concealing my feelings, or at least I hope so. After a few moments of silence I address Sam again. 

"You and me and Dad, I mean, I want us… I want us to be together again. I want us to be a family again." 

I need to be a family again. You, Dad, me, having each other's backs. Keeping people safe.

"Dean, we are a family. I’d do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before." 

Really, Sam? I know that. I know that and it makes my heart break because it evokes the memory I have of the time before this thing entered our lives, when my family still was Mom, Dad, me and my baby brother.

"Could be," I mumble, knowing it's not entirely true, but I want to believe it.

"I don’t want them to be. I'm not gonna live this life forever. Dean, when this is all over, you’re gonna have to let me go my own way."

I don't know if I can, Sammy. I will cross that bridge when I get there. For now, time to focus at the task on hand. Tag along, Bitch.

"Let's go, Sam."


End file.
